نمونه های writing کاربران و بررسی آنها

[Bita]

لطفا متن فارسی انشای خود را نیز بنویسید تا من آنرا تصحیح کنم. البته من نمیتونم نمره شما را تخمین بزنم چون خودم وقتی GRE میدادم writing نداشت.

[sandbad]

سلام niva جان
از فایلی که گذاشتی ممنونم
خیلی بدرد بخوره
ولی چرا دوبار آپ کردی؟

[yaserb]

Subject: Do you think that Movies, televison programs and video game affect the young people behavoir

In the recent years, TV, movies, computer games and others of that ilk have pervaded into the peoples’ life more than ever before. Vast amounts of money are invested by the media to make films, video games and other types of audio products to cajole the consumers to buy them. Admittedly, the most important group of the consumers is the youth who are easily influenced by the content of these cultural products.
Intrinsically, the youths' character and personality are undeveloped. They are passing their transient span of life. They are energetic and practical but usually have not reached to a level of mental maturity which enables them to distinguish between good and bad or moral and immoral. They are usually based on their intuition and instinct rather that wisdom and reasoning. As a consequence, their soul and minds are vulnerable to any type of wind or wave. This wind or wave can be made by a simple movie, TV program or even a video game.
Certainly and without any doubt, the media can have either salubrious or unsavory effects on the young people characters. In some movie companies, there are adroit and sometimes vicious strategists whose job is to investigate the ways with which they entice and or cajole the youth to buy their products. In reaching to this goal, they never abstain from any vicious tool. They shamelessly incorporate sultry and bloody scenes into the films or games which are against any moral criterion. Unfortunately, this matter makes many problems for the societies. For example, we sometimes hear that a student simulates the behavior of a negative character of a film and kills his innocent classmates. As far as I heard, such an incident once happened in a high school in Colorado about 10 years ago.
In conclusion, any type of media or press can impress the youth directly or indirectly. These types of cultural products act insidiously but

efficiently. That's why this century is entitled as "the century of media".

[smirshekari]

3/6

[halim27_17]

People attend college or university for many different reasons. Why do you think people attend college or university?

John, who was my high school friend, is a rich man. He left his studies in high school and started working with his father when he was only 17 years old. Not only does he have many stores but also he has two business companies whereas, he is so young. Those days He offered me work in his father's company. He told me that you are crazy if you continue your study. I really envied him, but when I was admitted in university my opinion changed. I think people attend university because it can increase their knowledge, social personality and they can find appropriate or favorite career after they educated.

First, people start their university educations, as they can increase their knowledge. High school education is limited and students learn brief information from many sciences. As a case in point, at university or college, students should learn much more public sciences than they studied in high school. Moreover, they can concentrate in their technical major when they become senior.

Furthermore, people try to admit at university or college, in that it can raise their social personality. Campus is like a city; in fact it is a small society. This society encompasses students, teachers, faculty and some people who work there. Students encounter with many other students and different cultures in the campus. They learn to think before they do the job. As an illustration, some of them were invited to many science unities and others can apply their ideas.

Finally, attending in university may cause that people select their favorite jobs. Most students continue their studies in campus in order that they may find appropriate jobs.
Since seniors complete approximately 80% of their education, they try to search job opportunities. For instance, a computer senior can find his favorite job in these fields: programmer, computer hardware or network engineer. He can easily select his appropriate job in these fields.

In conclusion, as I mentioned,In my view college or university educations is precious. Last week our university friends went to coffee shop with John. We talked about one of technical courses that we passed in university, but John was silent and he had not any idea about subject. After we visited each other John was unhappy. I heard an astounding sentence from him! He told me I really envy you and your friends. He told me I have all things though I feel I am not prospering in my life.


I pasted my essay here and it is related to this topic: http://www.applyabroad.org/forum/ind...ic,8293.0.html
Please score it.Thanks

[maryamgoli]

People attend college or university for many different reasons. Why do you think people attend college or university?

John, who was my high school friend, is a rich man. He left his studies in high school and started working with his father when he was only 17 years old. Not only does he have many stores but also he has two business companies whereas, he is so young. Those days He offered me work in his father's company. He told me that you are crazy if you continue your study. I really envied him, but when I was admitted in university my opinion changed. I think people attend university because it can increase their knowledge, social personality and they can find appropriate or favorite career after they educated.
finding appropriate or favorite career in the future. جملات در blueprint بايد parallel باشند.

Furthermore, people try to admit at university or college, in that it can raise their social personality. Campus is like a city; in fact it is a small society. This society encompasses students, teachers, faculty faculties and some people who work there. Students encounter with many other students and different cultures in the campus. They learn to think before they do the job. As an illustration, some of them were invited to many science unities and others can apply their ideas.

سلام من نكات ديگري هم به ذهنم رسيد تصحيح كنم وليكن بهتر هست تا بچه هايي كه وارد تر هستند نظر بدهند
اساتيد؟؟؟... 8)

[Scheme]

People attend college or university for many different reasons. Why do you think people attend college or university?

John, who was my high school friend, is a rich man. He left his studies in high school and started working with his father when he was only 17 years old. Not only does he have many stores but also he has two business companies whereas, he is so young. Those days He 1- offered me work in his father's company. He told me that you are crazy if you continue your study. I really envied him, but when I was admitted in university my opinion changed. I think people attend university because2- it can increase their knowledge, social personality and they can find appropriate or favorite career after they educated.

First, people start their university 3- educations, 4- as they can increase their knowledge. High school education is limited and students learn brief information from many sciences. As a case in point, at university or college, students should learn much more public sciences than they studied in high school. Moreover,5- they can concentrate in their technical major when they become senior.

Furthermore, people try to6- admit at university or college, in that it can raise their social personality. Campus is like a city; in fact it is a small society. This society encompasses students, teachers, faculty and some people who work there. Students 7- encounter with many other students and different cultures in the campus. They learn to think before they do the job. As an illustration, some of them were invited to many science unities and others can apply their ideas.

Finally, [color=red]و [/8, 9 color]attending in university may cause that people select their favorite jobs. Most students continue their studies in campus in order that they may find appropriate jobs.
Since seniors complete approximately 80% of their education, they try to search job opportunities. For instance, a computer senior can find his favorite job in these fields: programmer, computer hardware or network engineer. He can easily select his appropriate job in these fields.

In conclusion, as I mentioned,In my view college or university 10 -educations is precious. Last week our university friends went to coffee shop with John. We talked about one of technical courses that we passed in university, but John was silent and he had not any idea about subject. After we visited each other John was unhappy. I heard an astounding sentence from him! He told me I really envy you and your friends. He told me I have all things though I feel I am not prospering in my life.


I pasted my essay here and it is related to this topic: http://www.applyabroad.org/forum/ind...ic,8293.0.html
Please score it.Thanks

1- فكر مي كنم to كم داشته باشه.
2- باهم پارالل نيستن 2تاشون عبارت هستن و يكي شون جمله
3- education جمع بسته نمي شه uncountable است.
4- فكر نمي كنم استفاده as اينجا درست باشد ( مطمئن نيستم)
5- فكر مي كنم از نظر گرامري مشكل دارد ( فكر مي كنم درست تر اينه can رو با زمان آينده بنويسين يعني تيكه اولشو بنويسين will be able to )
6- فعل admit با to نوشته مي شود.
7- فعل encounter فكر مي كنم با with غلط است و حرف اضافه نمي گيرد. اگه به عنوان noun استفاده شود فقط حرف اضافه مي گيرد. در ضمن فكر مي كنم از نظر بار معنايي هم زياد جالب نيست چون بيشتر براي problem و اينهاست.
8- فعل attend حرف اضافه in نمي گيرد.
9- از نظر بار معنايي may cause به نظرم خوب نيست. may همين طوري يه احتماله يعني : "ممكنه باعث بشه شغل مورد علاقه شونو انتخاب كنن " مي بينين كه از نظر بار معنايي ضعيفه.
10 - education جمع بسته نمي شه uncountable است.

ببخشيد آخراشو اشتباهي همشو رنگي كردم ولي فكر كنم از روي شماره ها مشخص باشه.
اينا به ذهن من رسيد شايد بعضي هاشون درست نباشه يا اگه دوستان بيشتري نظر بدن كامل تر بشه.

[Scheme]

كلا يه كم بيشتر گرامر بخونين ( فقط يه كم مثلا يه نصفه روز يه دوره اي بكنيد.)
شايد بچه هايي كه جديدا امتحان دادن و نمرات خوبي گرفتن بتونن بيشتر كمك كنن.

[aliqajar]

ساختار كلي متن به اين صورت كه
1-متن رو با يك motivator آغاز ميكنيد. شما با يك مثال شروع كردين كه اون هم خيلي خاص هستش. (Motivator مثال نيست). شما در واقع از وسط ماجرا شروع كردين. بهتره ساده تر بنويسيد، تا نمره بهتري بگيريد.
2- همونطور كه دوستمون گفتن جملات در BluePrint بايد Parallel باشن.
3- بعد از اون هر عبارتي كه در BluePrint اومده خودش تبديل ميشه به جمله اول هر بند (مجموعه اين بهندها MainBody رو تشكيل ميده).
4- و در نهايت بندي كه بايد به بحث خاتمه بده و در اون با يك جمله خاص (Clincher) اون رو تمومش ميكنيد.

اما چيزي كه مانع از تحليل آسون متن شما ميشه اينه كه شما به نظر من يك چيزي رو برعكس نوشتين. شما يك متن رو برپايه مثالتون و اتفاقاتي براي دوستتون ميافته بنا كردين. در حاليكه مثال و نمونه آوردن در واقع بايد ساپورتي باشه براي ايده شما. به نظر سعي نكنيد خيلي ادبي يا رمان گونه بنويسيد. متن هرچه ساده تر باشه بهتره. مثلا شايد بهتر باشه در مطلع بحث از چنين جملاتي استفاده نكنيد "Not only does he have many stores but also he has two business companies whereas, he is so young" و اون رو به انتهاي متن بسپريد. يا به عنوان مثال ديگه در پاراگراف آخر دو اصطلاح "as I mentioned,In my view " در كنار يكديگر به نوعي redundent به حساب مياد و يكي از اينها كفايت ميكنه.

اميدوارم موفق باشيد

[halim27_17]

ساختار كلي متن به اين صورت كه
1-متن رو با يك motivator آغاز ميكنيد. شما با يك مثال شروع كردين كه اون هم خيلي خاص هستش. (Motivator مثال نيست). شما در واقع از وسط ماجرا شروع كردين. بهتره ساده تر بنويسيد، تا نمره بهتري بگيريد.
2- همونطور كه دوستمون گفتن جملات در BluePrint بايد Parallel باشن.
3- بعد از اون هر عبارتي كه در BluePrint اومده خودش تبديل ميشه به جمله اول هر بند (مجموعه اين بهندها MainBody رو تشكيل ميده).
4- و در نهايت بندي كه بايد به بحث خاتمه بده و در اون با يك جمله خاص (Clincher) اون رو تمومش ميكنيد.

اما چيزي كه مانع از تحليل آسون متن شما ميشه اينه كه شما به نظر من يك چيزي رو برعكس نوشتين. شما يك متن رو برپايه مثالتون و اتفاقاتي براي دوستتون ميافته بنا كردين. در حاليكه مثال و نمونه آوردن در واقع بايد ساپورتي باشه براي ايده شما. به نظر سعي نكنيد خيلي ادبي يا رمان گونه بنويسيد. متن هرچه ساده تر باشه بهتره. مثلا شايد بهتر باشه در مطلع بحث از چنين جملاتي استفاده نكنيد "Not only does he have many stores but also he has two business companies whereas, he is so young" و اون رو به انتهاي متن بسپريد. يا به عنوان مثال ديگه در پاراگراف آخر دو اصطلاح "as I mentioned,In my view " در كنار يكديگر به نوعي redundent به حساب مياد و يكي از اينها كفايت ميكنه.

اميدوارم موفق باشيد

با سلام
از راهنمایی شما ممنونم. فقط یک مساله اونم راجع به motivator هست.توی کتابی که من دارم و حتی توی جزوه هام یکبار دیگه نگاه کردم و دیدم Short story یکی از Motivator ها محسوب می شه...کسی نظری داره؟؟؟